Intensity & Empathy

I’m an empath and it is intense. So intense, that it makes me feel a little crazy (border line losing it) most days. I find myself setting aside from social media more and more lately, other than sharing my love for my family and advocating for Haidyn.

As an empath, I understand that not everyone will view the world in the same way that I do. My heart breaks constantly and bleeds endlessly for cruelty, injustice, inequalities and other’s heartbreak.

My biggest flaw that I have come far in learning to accept is failing to understand why others do not give out the same amount of compassion and affection as freely as I do. How can others so easily turn a blind eye to heartbreak, destruction and suffering when healing is required?

How can you be so far left or so far right, so far black or so far white, so far christian or so far athiest that you can’t sit still, for just a moment, to put down your wall and feel for another’s path that maybe you, so fortunately, have never had to travel?

I haven’t mastered anything other than how to be intense. Intense in my passions, intense in my advocating, intense in my feeling and thinking too much and I have no idea how to quiet my mind from all of these things.

In this crazy world, full of so much division, I find myself stuck in the middle most days. Questioning my relationship with God and as a christian, questioning where I stand with all of the disheartening politics amongst both parties, questioning how I can be a better person and to show compassion to the people I love all around me but that are all divided by opinions, religions, race, passions, struggles and views. How can I love them all but never step on one’s toes, without ill intention, but within reason of caring/voicing for another so different?

I am always searching, whether it be research or my own heart. I believe there is meaning in everything around us and I struggle consistently to find meaning in all that surrounds me.

I am constantly evolving as a human and I believe my journey in life has molded me from what was once a young, extremely sensitive, insecure and people pleasing girl, into a strong, resilient, compassionate, human being.

As I have evolved, I seem to still be intrigued by damaged people but I have learned that it is no longer my job to try and detox their mind and soul. My job is to let it always be a reminder that there was once a part of me and may still be a part of me that resonates with their toxicity.

If you are not a empath, you may not grasp how I can feel this way or believe me when I tell you that I can feel things on a different level. When I say my feelings are intense I am stating examples like:

•When a loved one hurts, I feel it in my chest.
•When the world is filled with division and hatred, I become so nauseous I can hardly eat.
•When someone is hateful, criminal like, or making terrible decisions – I find myself wondering why. What made YOU that way? What hurts so badly that you can’t move past it? Why is your passion for hatred seeded so deeply inside of you?
•When someone cries, I feel awkward and uncomfortable because I want to make it better but I know words are just that, words. I can’t fix anything or anyone. Only they can do that.
•I can literally FEEL my intuition or my gut instinct like a burning rage in the pit of my stomach. I know when something is “off.” Be it a person, a place, a situation or something that has yet to happen – I know that it isn’t right or authentic.
•When I find myself surrounded by negative people, dark times and hard emotions – I shut down, I back off and I become introverted. Otherwise, it mentally and physically drains my spirit.
•I am constantly torn between tough love, karma and just wanting to love others through it, even when they deserve absolutely nothing.
•Unneccessary drama, sarcastic jokes to hurt others and anything petty has never and will never be amusing to me. Hurting others or stirring the pot for humor is something I will never understand and I wish others could find a different hobby for their spare time.

That’s the problem with being an empath – you feel empathy for all of the jackasses too.

Even though all of this will be a part of me forever, I have accepted it. I am positive God gave me this big, strong and loving heart for a reason. I have learned that it is okay to change my mind and my commitments. It is okay to speak up and advocate for things I am passionate about. It is also okay for me to take time off, to say no, to stand my ground, to be alone, to do nothing and to let go.

It is okay to change.

I am sensitively strong. I am passionate. I am deep. I am an unconditional lover in almost 99% of cases but I do have my own flaws and struggles as well.

I am an empath and compassion fuels my fire to be stronger, more resilient, and feisty with each passing day. I am finally okay with that. 🔥

Be kind to your empath friends because with the way the world is functioning right now, we are struggling to focus on being a light and not drain ourselves at the same time.✨

Childhood Dementia is a demon.. 🔥

As your mama, most days flow by quicker than I can grasp, but sometimes, I sit still and wonder…

Do you smile through a pain I can’t fathom?
Do you frustrate easily because you can’t communicate your wants and needs as easily as you used to be able to?
Do you continue to climb over things despite the pain in your joints?
Do you want to sleep no matter how hard your body fights you?
Do you realize you how strong you are physically?
Do you wish to understand why your body keeps becoming more difficult to understand with each passing day?
Do you wonder what’s happening?
Do you question why things keep getting harder?
Or do you continue to smile or at least try, no matter how destructive your body can be?

As your mama, I look at you, and how beautiful you are. You are big, strong, resilient, energetic, hulk-like, joyful, sleepless, fidgety, lost at times, withering in many ways, but absolutely precious.

You shouldn’t have to struggle.
You don’t deserve to try and grasp on to your speech, physical activity, muscle strength, eating without choking and running without pain.
You shouldn’t have to fight your own body for more time.
You shouldn’t have to wonder what’s happening… and I wish I couldn’t wonder if these thoughts cross your innocent, infant-like mind… but they do.

I love you.
Jesus loves you.
I wish I could grasp the reasons in His plan… but I have yet to do so.
The only thing I can seemingly try to process with my feeble mind is that you are far to beautiful for this earth and maybe He knows that.

You are my bestie, forever.
If I could pick up your broken pieces and take them on myself, I would, but for some reason it just isn’t that simple.

Rare disease stinks.
Genetically inherited disease stinks.
Children suffering stinks.
But suffering without a cure, is rotten to the core.

Even if it isn’t in your lifetime, we will fight until the end of ours for a cure.

I promise. I love you, Haidyn Grace.🔥

#curesanfilipposyndrome

Indescribable Strength

The world deserves more of YOU.

Despite the pain, you smile.
Despite your tears, you are easily humored.
Despite your lack of understanding, you find joy.
Despite your anxieties, you love so much.
Despite your uncomfort, you long for touch.
Despite your body fighting against you every day, you keep living to your fullest ability.
Despite your clumsiness increasing, you continue to run.
Despite how often you fall, you always get back up and try again.
Despite your loss of many words, you continue to talk as much as you can.
Despite your inability to sing your favorite songs, you still listen, smile and mumble a few words of your favorite lyrics.
Despite your sensitive tummy, you love food more than anyone I know.
Despite your lack of safety awareness, you see no danger and only beauty around you.
Despite your fatal diagnosis, every day is a new day for you to give it your all.
Despite our broken hearts, you know nothing but love.

You are the strongest girl I know, Haidyn Grace. 💜

I Am Resilient 🔥

Saturday, I had a long, sleep deprived, tear filled argument with God about where I am at, right here in this moment.

Despite all of life’s imperfections, I have everything I could ever want. I have an unconditionally loving husband, a happy marriage and two beautiful girls. My heart has always longed for a stable, joy filled marriage, children to love in the midst of it all, security in myself and the ability to find compassion over judgement.

So, WHY does my dream have to shatter with a fatal diagnosis for the child I was lucky to be able to have?

I’m sure He was standing up there thinking, “She’s not going to stop yelling at me today, but I’m listening.”

This morning while the girls were still asleep my heart settled to all of those enraged feelings on Saturday and I’m so thankful that His love never fails, because without His love, I wouldn’t be remotely close to where I am today – even with the heart break we are currently facing.

This version of me wasn’t built over night. Who I am today, is standing on a mountain that formed from earthquakes in my life revolving around experiences, insecurities, pain, abuse, anxiety, depression, health issues and mistakes of all kinds. I had to go through so much to get to the level that I am on now.

Now, I am kind. I am okay with being imperfect. I am compassionate. I try my best not to judge another. I can admit to my wrongs. I am a lover but a fighter when need be. I can hold my ground with grace instead of pride. I value time over materials. I find happiness in the simple things. I forgive easily. I embrace the smallest moments that most take for granted. I am open about my anxiety and depression, but never use it as an excuse. I am blunt, honest, and realistic – and I am okay without the approval of others. I find money to be necessary but also the root of all evil. I strive to be a better version of me, every day. I am an imperfect yet powerful mama (patting myself on the back). I will give my all to move mountains for my husband and my girls. My relationship with Jesus is the best it has ever been due to His unfailing love for me and willingness to listen to my attitude far more than usual in recent weeks.

I have been through so much.
Why does He think I’m so strong?
Maybe because He built me for this. Instead of choosing to wallow in self pity, I continued to get back up. I am 100% a “bring the fire,” type of spirit and I’m only a quitter on things that no longer serve me in a healthy manner.

Maybe, just maybe, He chose me for this path because •I AM RESILIENT•

My dream didn’t shatter because of a fatal diagnosis. My vision, heart and mind were adjusted accordingly for a fight He has been preparing me for.

•About six months ago, I promised to find out what was going on with my girl, despite everyone saying it was “normal,” or “would be okay.” I did that.

Now, I promise that the world will know about my girl and others like her. 🔥🌪🌩🌈